


Shattered

by Dontquitwhileyoureahead



Series: The Worst Kind of Heartbreak [2]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Major character death - Freeform, all i can do is write sad stuff, and kill my faves, im sorry this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-09-16 21:53:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9291158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dontquitwhileyoureahead/pseuds/Dontquitwhileyoureahead
Summary: Erin loves Holtz. Holtz loves Erin. Everything is all right.Until suddenly it isn't.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry

Holtzmann goes first. She’s all too young at it happens all too quick and Erin can’t catch her breath. They had barely been married a year, and now, suddenly, Erin is a widow. They used to spend the nights talking about getting a bigger place, or adopting a cat, or maybe even having kids, and now, all at once, none of that matters anymore.

It was all so fast. Holtz took a cab home from the firehouse late at night, after Erin had already gone home. There was an accident, the other car ran the light, the driver had been drinking, Holtz was in emergency surgery. The details all seem to blur together into a mess of phone calls and sirens, and none of it even makes sense anymore. She gets to the hospital and Holtz is still in surgery and they will tell her more as soon as they knew more, all she could do now is wait, And nobody has any answers except “we’re sorry” and “we’ll know more soon,” and that isn’t enough dammit, she just wants to know if her wife is going to be okay. And then there’s a doctor walking towards her with a sympathetic look in her eyes, and Erin knows. Knows that Holtz is gone and all she wants to do is scream.

And so she does.

She screams and screams and screams, until her throat feels like it has been scratched raw. Someone presses a cup of water in her hands and guides her to Holtz’s room, telling her to take all of the time that she needs. But she doesn’t want any time now, she wants time yesterday and two weeks ago when Holtzmann was still alive. She wants time four years ago, before they even met, so she can run to the Kenneth P. Institure of science and introduce herself to Holtzmann so they can have 730 more days together. She doesn't want more time with a dead Holtzmann.

The only visible injury is a bruise on Holtz’s cheek, but the sheet is pulled up to her chin, hiding what Erin is sure is a multitude of other injuries. She wants to throw herself sobbing over Holtz, like she feels that she sould, but she can’t bring herself to do it. So instead she merely takes Holtzmann’s hand in her own, and gently strokes her hair. She doesn’t know how long she stays there, just stroking Holtz’s hair, but eventually there is a knock on the door and Erin knows what is coming. So she kisses Holt’z forehead, gives her hand one last squeeze, and walks out.

Abby and Patty are waiting for her at the door, and they each wrap her up in a hug, whispering words of comfort that Erin barely even registers. They lead her into a cab and back to her apartment, Abby's hand never leaving her own. Eventually Patty leaves for the night, but Abby stays; because Abby has always stayed, even when Erin leaves, Abby still stays. Erin lays her head in Abby lap, and Abby runs her hands rhythmically through Erin’s hair. Erin doesn’t fall asleep, but she isn’t awake either, she just exists in some state of in between; not gone but never fully there either.

Abby and Patty take care of everything, occasionally asking her questions about what she’d like. She knows that she should be more involved, its her own wife’s funeral for Christ’s sake, but she just can’t bring herself to do so. Instead she just sits there while Abby and Patty choose the flowers and pick out her outfit; the only input Erin giving being that Holtz was to wear her yellow glasses and Screw U necklace.

And then she wakes up and it’s the morning of the funeral and it all just hits her. That she’s never going to see Holtz again. That there’s never going to be any new pictures of Holtz on her phone, or any new memories. All she’s going to have is what’s old, and God, what if she forgets? She’s already starting to forget. When she tries to think of Holtz all she can see is her lying there dead in the hospital. She can’t picture the way her cheeks flushed in the winter or how her eyes look after she stayed up all night working on some invention. And it’s all too much and she can’t breathe and she’s gasping but she can’t draw any air. All she can do is sit there choking and sobbing for twenty minutes until she is finally able to pull herself out of it.

Dr. Gorin comes to the funeral, and the woman who has never so much as even shaken Erin’s hand is suddenly wrapping her up into a hug. It’s strong and tight and when Erin pulls away Dr. Gorin removes the Screw U pin from her jacket and gives it to Erin, telling her how much Jillian loved her and that she made Jillian so happy. And Erin knows that these words are meant to comfort her and maybe someday they will, but right now they just hurt. They hurt so much and it makes Erin feel like she’s being sawed in two, and she’s crying hot tears that she violently wipes away with one hand, while the other clutches the pin so tightly she fears it might break, but she clings to it all the same because this is her last refuge of Holtzmann.

As the funeral draws to a close, Erin goes up to give the eulogy. She doesn’t know if she wants to do it, doesn’t know if she eve can do it really, but the thought of anyone else doing it hurts too much. Because Holtzmann is hers, and she is Holtzmann’s and it has been that way since she walked nto the Kenneth P. Institue of Science, and so she has to do this. She’d spent the past days writing and rewriting, the usually pristine floor surrounding her desk becoming covered with wads of crumpled up paper. Even now she isn’t really sure what she’s going to say, everything sounds disingenuous or impersonal, and it's not enough. Not enough to memorialize who Holtz was, how goofy and smart and unique and loving she was. And standing there looking out at Abby and Patty and Kevin and Dr. Gorin and even Jennifer fucking Lynch, all Erin can think about is that night in the bar after they saved the world. And so she does all she can think of to do, and repeats the words Holtzmann said to them then.

“Physics is the study of the movement of bodies in space and it can unlock the mysteries of the universe. But it cannot answer the essential question of what is out purpose here-and to e the purpose of life is to love, and to love is what you have shown me.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry that this is so sad, but its really all I can seem to write. Maybe someday I'll write you guys something fluffy and happy but today just doesn't seem to be that day. 
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr (holtzbert-is-always-cannon), follow me, send me prompts, talk to me about Ghostbusters, or just be my friend because I'm very lonely.


End file.
